Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hey There, Lonely Girl

According to Elle magazine, this month's cover girl Jennifer Aniston is the champion of lonely girls everywhere. Really? Does anyone else find it just a little hard to believe that the former "Friend" is plagued by despair and ennui as she sits alone on a summer Saturday night, staring at a phone that refuses to ring while she downs a half-pint of Haagen-Dasz and watches a marathon of Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

Don't get us wrong, Jen; we know you mean well. And we know that it can't have been easy to have your divorce and every subsequent relationship in the public eye. But come on now. If you've been seen canoodling with Gerard Butler, you're not that lonely. If you're on Forbes' list of the richest women in the entertainment industry, you're not that lonely. If you have an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and multiple Teen Choice Awards on your mantle, you're not that lonely. If you're on the cover of Elle in a black leather dress, you're not that lonely.

Please, for the love of Ross, stop talking about it!! You don't have to keep telling us how much you don't want to talk about your love life while you are in fact talking about your love life. It's like one of those people who whines about how they can't gain weight because their metabolism is so unbearably high, or they don't know whether to vacation in Vail or the Virgin Islands because they get such great travel deals through work.

You want your relationships to be private, Jen? We do, too. You're the cheerleader, the prom queen, the sorority sister that gets to lord your popularity and prettiness over the rest of us. So step up and own it, sister. You're not one of us.

I mean, unless you want to be. 'Cause we're not doing anything Saturday night. Do you prefer mint chocolate chip or coffee ice cream?

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