Saturday, October 23, 2010

Stayin’ Alive

It’s that time of year again, for the ghosts and ghouls to come out and play. Thanks to Halloween and the gals at the Random Fandom podcast, I was inspired to write this holiday-themed blog entry. Granted, I don’t have an extensive knowledge of horror films or books. Seeing Gremlins at the tender age of 7 traumatized me for life, and Nightmare on Elm Street made me terrified of falling asleep. I’d never even seen a zombie film until my friend Will drove me to Greensboro to see Shaun of the Dead. And to me, zombies are the scariest of the movie monsters. Because there’s just that small chance, that tiny inkling, that such a nightmare could come true.

So how would I deal with a zombie apocalypse? Apart from dying within the first 12 hours of its onset. Well, obviously I’d need a blunt object for head-hitting, a vehicle with a full tank of gas, and some sharpshooting allies. Now these zombies/undead Americans may be fast (28 Days Later) or slow (the Romero series), but they’re all bloodthirsty animals who want to rip your face off. And the media has taught us there are certain things you want in your zombie party. Mainly you want to keep it small, maneuverable, and able to fit comfortably in an SUV.

The Big Guns: Tallahassee (“Zombieland”) and Ash (“Evil Dead”)

Woody Harrelson’s Tallahassee is a whirling dervish of destruction. If it’s undead, he will kill it. Heck, he wants to kill it and will find increasingly more creative ways of doing so. But he’ll make it clear that he can take or leave you, so feed him Twinkies and he’s likely to stay loyal.

Ash, as played by Bruce Campbell, is the dependable S-Mart employee who just can’t seem to shake his demons. I mean real demons summoned through the use of the Necronomicon. So killing zombies may be a new thing for him but he’s got a chainsaw permanently attached to his arm, and that’s gotta’ count for something.

The Brains: Sarah Connor (“Terminator”) and Ana-Lucia Cortez (“Lost”)

Whether you prefer the original recipe Linda Hamilton or short-lived series Lena Headey version, you know Sarah Connor is a pro at kicking ass and taking names. Okay, sure, they’re not humanoid robots or an evil computer program, but zombies are pretty much made for the purpose of destroying humans. And you know how Sarah feels about that. Especially if one should be dumb enough to go after her son. Mama Connor has contacts and weapons caches all over, and years of experience existing off the grid. Go with her if you want to live.

Okay, Michelle Rodriguez’s Ana-Lucia may be a controversial choice; she has been known to throw innocent people into pits and to seek her own brand of justice against lowlifes who shoot her. But the woman has innate survival skills. She kept the Tailies alive long enough to reunite with the Oceanic 815 survivors on the other side of the island, and she can fashion a stick into a very effective spear. Trust me, you want Officer Cortez on your side.

The Medicine Man: Dr. Mac (“Green Wing”)

You’ll need a doctor, and Julian Rhind-Tutt is very pretty. The ginger hair may be a liability when trying to keep a low profile, but I’m willing to risk it.

The Wild Card: Sam Merlotte (“True Blood”)

Sam, the shape-shifting owner of Merlotte’s Bar, knows how to deal with the weird and the scary. His ability to change into a dog or bird will help get you into the places where humans can’t go. Plus, he has a ready supply of booze.

Now I pass the double-barrel on to you, dear reader, to pick your zombie-hunting dream team. Who will watch your back? Who will take point when you enter the seemingly abandoned grocery store? Who do you trust to pull the trigger if you turn? And please, don’t forget the Double Tap.