The "Secret" is out..Downsizing is in!

If you haven't read Rhonda Byrne's book The Secret, you've probably heard about it on one or two daytime talk shows. How it promotes following the natural laws of attractions, i.e. "like attracts like," to get what you want. Making a vision board of your dream house/man/job and asking The Universe to bring it into your life. The book is filled with testimonials of people for whom this theory has worked. After reading it (upon the recommendation of my therapist), I'm pretty sure that it's a load of New Age bollocks. And you know the exact page where the author lost me? Proclaiming that she maintained a weight of 116 pounds by merely "not thinking fat thoughts." Really? Seriously? 'Cause I think it might have something to do with diet and exercise, you skinny bitch! Wait, that's the low blood sugar talking; let me grab another fun size Three Musketeers...

But I'll confess I was at the point where I'm willing to try anything to change my outlook. Because these days, the outlook is pretty bleak. I'm still out of work, have no job prospects, can't even get interviews, and just paid the last mortgage payment that I can afford. I spent the better part of an afternoon at Social Services to be told that I can't qualify for Medicaid but I might qualify for food stamps. So this is me at rock bottom. Terrified to spend a single dollar on anything that isn't absolutely essential. Picking out which pieces of furniture I can take or leave from the condo that I bought three years ago, because I'll likely be moving back in with my parents next month. And Christmas? Well, I'm very tempted to just skip it this year. Hey, I've become an agnostic!

I guess I have to focus on what I do have at this point and being grateful for it and believing in my heart that life can be good again. Much like the family on WeTV's Downsized, I have to accept that this is the new reality. I can't have a pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks but I can have an apple cider at home. I can't go to a gym and work out three times a week but I can walk on the treadmill. I've just spent so much time being angry at other people or myself or Congress or the world in general, and it's exhausting. I'll still be jealous of my friends when they post about the cool things they've bought or the places they're going, I can't help it. I had this notion that if I studied hard and I made good grades in school, life would always be good. But that's not true. Bad things happen to good people. Good people make bad decisions. I suppose I'm now paying for those decisions. In spades.

For me, "The Secret" is to be content with living in the moment. I don't know what the future holds and I've spent way too many hours regretting the past. Right now, I just need to be where I'm at, as Sean of "Galactic Watercooler" podcast so eloquently said. And at least where I'm at has pumpkin pie. Enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday and let your loved ones know that they are loved.

Stayin’ Alive

It’s that time of year again, for the ghosts and ghouls to come out and play. Thanks to Halloween and the gals at the Random Fandom podcast, I was inspired to write this holiday-themed blog entry. Granted, I don’t have an extensive knowledge of horror films or books. Seeing Gremlins at the tender age of 7 traumatized me for life, and Nightmare on Elm Street made me terrified of falling asleep. I’d never even seen a zombie film until my friend Will drove me to Greensboro to see Shaun of the Dead. And to me, zombies are the scariest of the movie monsters. Because there’s just that small chance, that tiny inkling, that such a nightmare could come true.

So how would I deal with a zombie apocalypse? Apart from dying within the first 12 hours of its onset. Well, obviously I’d need a blunt object for head-hitting, a vehicle with a full tank of gas, and some sharpshooting allies. Now these zombies/undead Americans may be fast (28 Days Later) or slow (the Romero series), but they’re all bloodthirsty animals who want to rip your face off. And the media has taught us there are certain things you want in your zombie party. Mainly you want to keep it small, maneuverable, and able to fit comfortably in an SUV.

The Big Guns: Tallahassee (“Zombieland”) and Ash (“Evil Dead”)


Woody Harrelson’s Tallahassee is a whirling dervish of destruction. If it’s undead, he will kill it. Heck, he wants to kill it and will find increasingly more creative ways of doing so. But he’ll make it clear that he can take or leave you, so feed him Twinkies and he’s likely to stay loyal.


Ash, as played by Bruce Campbell, is the dependable S-Mart employee who just can’t seem to shake his demons. I mean real demons summoned through the use of the Necronomicon. So killing zombies may be a new thing for him but he’s got a chainsaw permanently attached to his arm, and that’s gotta’ count for something.

The Brains: Sarah Connor (“Terminator”) and Ana-Lucia Cortez (“Lost”)


Whether you prefer the original recipe Linda Hamilton or short-lived series Lena Headey version, you know Sarah Connor is a pro at kicking ass and taking names. Okay, sure, they’re not humanoid robots or an evil computer program, but zombies are pretty much made for the purpose of destroying humans. And you know how Sarah feels about that. Especially if one should be dumb enough to go after her son. Mama Connor has contacts and weapons caches all over, and years of experience existing off the grid. Go with her if you want to live.


Okay, Michelle Rodriguez’s Ana-Lucia may be a controversial choice; she has been known to throw innocent people into pits and to seek her own brand of justice against lowlifes who shoot her. But the woman has innate survival skills. She kept the Tailies alive long enough to reunite with the Oceanic 815 survivors on the other side of the island, and she can fashion a stick into a very effective spear. Trust me, you want Officer Cortez on your side.

The Medicine Man: Dr. Mac (“Green Wing”)


You’ll need a doctor, and Julian Rhind-Tutt is very pretty. The ginger hair may be a liability when trying to keep a low profile, but I’m willing to risk it.

The Wild Card: Sam Merlotte (“True Blood”)


Sam, the shape-shifting owner of Merlotte’s Bar, knows how to deal with the weird and the scary. His ability to change into a dog or bird will help get you into the places where humans can’t go. Plus, he has a ready supply of booze.

Now I pass the double-barrel on to you, dear reader, to pick your zombie-hunting dream team. Who will watch your back? Who will take point when you enter the seemingly abandoned grocery store? Who do you trust to pull the trigger if you turn? And please, don’t forget the Double Tap.

Tying the Not

So my sister was home this past week and on Friday night, the TV was somehow locked on TLC due to a marathon of "Say Yes to the Dress." The New York and the Atlanta versions (which were inexplicably subtitled). For three hours, we watched brides and their respective entourages try on dress after dress to varying reviews and reactions. Our household is not big on reality television that isn't sports-related, so this is our guilty pleasure. And it's actually kinda' sorta' educational, when I combine it with my experience of being the celebrations editor for a local newspaper and being in or attending several weddings. Mostly I've learned what I don't want for what society has declared will be the biggest day of adult female life.

See, I'm not one of those women that have planned every detail of their wedding since they were starry-eyed girls watching Disney princesses dance with their Prince Charmings. Keeping scrapbooks or decoupaged boxes full of yellowed newspaper clippings and pullouts from magazines. I tell most people that I'd be perfectly happy with a ceremony at the drive-thru chapel in Vegas, as long as it came with a chocolate milkshake and a side of curly fries. But deep down, I know that's a lie. I am a Southern girl and life-changing moments must be accompanied by friends, family and large amounts of fattening food. It's a rule.

But I've already decided that I want said life-changing moment to be fun, stress-free and a chance for everyone to experience the beauty of our Crystal Coast. A bridal gown with simple, clean lines and no tulle whatsoever. Bridesmaids' dresses that don't have to match as long as they're in the same color and accompanied by comfortable shoes. Rehearsal dinner at the Sanitary Market in Morehead City 'cause y'all have to experience their popcorn shrimp and sweet tea. Ceremony in the courtyard of Fort Macon, even though it's outside and tempting fate, but it's such a beautiful location. Followed by a reception at the Pine Knoll Shores Aquarium, catered by Ruckerjohn's. And a first dance to Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet." Possibly a foxtrot.

While I'm brainstorming here, I covet this gorgeous seashell cake (in chocolate, please) with a groom's cake in the shape of the Millennium Falcon. Or an At-At. I know that it can be done.



So as you can tell, I really haven't put that much thought into it. At least not on paper. It's all conjecture until I meet a guy who's willing to spend more than two dates with me, and vice versa. That takes a lot more work than browsing through the Amsale collection and watching TLC on Fridays.

Anyway, what are some of your wedding wishes? If you've already walked down the aisle, did it pan out the way you wanted or are you working on the revisions for your 10-year vow renewal? Enable me and let me go on living vicariously.

Stop messing with my mind, Christopher Nolan!

Inception

Written and Directed by Christopher Nolan
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ken Watanabe

It’s summertime at the cinema, and most of the movies on the marquee feature big names, big explosions, a feel-good ending and a plotline that you can easily follow between handfuls of buttered popcorn. Apart from a simplistic plotline, ‘Inception’ offers all of those things in a deeply moving yet very shiny package. The latest film from Christopher Nolan, of the Batman reboot, is brilliantly written and acted, and boasts the sort of jaw-dropping effects that made ‘The Matrix’ an international phenomenon. Fair warning: This movie requires you to be an active viewer. Nolan can never be accused of spoon-feeding his audience, and it’s likely you will walk away feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted. After all, this is the same guy who made us question our own memories in ‘Memento.’

It all starts with a dream. In this world, dreams can be used as a weapon. Mainly of corporate espionage. If you want the secret plans of your competitor’s expansion, you enlist the service of Cobb and his team to go and steal them from your rival’s subconscious while he sleeps. Leonardo DiCaprio’s Cobb is an extractor, the best there is. But he’s tired and haunted. He wants to retire and return home to his children. There’s just one last job that he needs to do. Rather than steal an idea, he needs to plant one and let it grow. Which requires a great deal more of his team than they’ve ever done before.

The team is what makes ‘Inception’ stand apart and feel almost like a heist film. I love every character and wouldn’t mind seeing an origin story or spin-off for any of them. Because even through the mind-bending visuals and heart-stopping action sequences, you learn who these characters are and what they’re about. DiCaprio brings the experience and the mournful eyes of a tragic hero who knows how quickly these dreams can turn into nightmares and virtual prisons. Ellen Page is the gifted architect enlisted to build the labyrinthine dream-states into which Cobb will lead their mark; like her previous roles as Juno and Kitty Pryde, she again bends physics and mixes compassion and cynicism with ease. The consummate professional who keeps everything running is played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who can now add action hero to his resume along with romantic lead (‘500 Days of Summer’) and evil scientist (‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’). An adorably smirking Tom Hardy brings the big guns, literally, and should definitely be short-listed for whichever Marvel hero is next up for a franchise. And Dileep Rao provides the chemical components to keep the team and its mark unconscious for hours, even days if need be.

Two ‘Batman Begins’ alumni also stand out in the cast: Ken Watanabe as an ambitious businessman who offers Cobb a chance to go home in exchange for that one last job, and Cillian Murphy (with a spot-on American accent) as the heir to an industrial empire who becomes Cobb’s mark. Marion Cotillard is both lovely and lethal as the wife that Cobb can’t get out of his head, an ever-present danger to himself and his colleagues.

Mesmerizing from beginning to end, ‘Inception’ is a psychological rollercoaster ride that you’ll want to take again and again. After all, that’s what summers are for.

Bassoon with a View

This one time at band camp, I got an invitation to go to Europe. Fifteen years ago, in a July as uncomfortably warm as this one, I joined 70-odd high school students in a band called the American Musical Ambassadors. We had a few days of rehearsal in DC before hopping on a plane to Amsterdam, and touring seven countries in 21 days. An exhausting yet exhilarating venture.

When I question my bravery or whether I achieved anything of import, I think back to those three weeks. No tour guide or travel show could have prepared me for the world that lay outside those double doors of Schiphol Airport. Of course, there were the big things -- touring the canals of Amsterdam and Venice, standing in the Austrian throne room of Maria Theresa, viewing a sunset from the top of the Eiffel Tower, dodging raindrops in Piccadilly Circus. But the moments that I still treasure from that trip are seemingly small ones. Watching a dubbed episode of "Rescue 911" with our host family in Ede, Holland; dancing to an oompah band in a village in southern Germany; eating the best chocolate cake ever in a riverside cafe in Innsbruck; shopping for lunch in a Swiss grocery store; being within arm's reach of one of my favorite comedians, Jim Sweeney, at a London Improv show. I also got very good at doing laundry in a sink.

I'm so grateful to have had that experience, and I feel sad for people that don't (or won't) take the opportunity to travel. Maybe you don't have that wanderlust. Maybe everything you need in life is right there within your county lines. And if so, I'm incredibly jealous. Because now I always wonder what else is out there. What haven't I seen, who haven't I met, what foods haven't I tasted. As Americans, we should be looking outward and learning from others. Not locking the door, turning off the light and saying "No Vacancy."

The Fourth of July has now come and gone. And it was an enjoyable holiday spent with my sister, her husband and their cat. We watched the specials on TV and the fireworks from their Silver Spring balcony. But as for patriotic moments, there's not much that can beat a summer afternoon fifteen years ago in Paris' Luxembourg Gardens, where French children spun and smiled with contagious joy as our band played "Stars and Stripes." A whole big world in one little gazebo, with liberty and justice for all.

Humble Pie a la mode

Having joined the ranks of the unemployed again, I've returned to the full-time job of job-hunting. You know all those articles they keep running about employees being optimistic enough about an economic recovery to finally resign from their current companies? Yeah, I'm one of those. And my optimism level is falling about as fast as BP stock.

After hitting Craigslist and the classifieds, my next stop was going to be the temp agencies that I'd signed up with after I got laid off back in '08. The recruiters were usually impressed with my education, my technical skills and my references. But I guess there are so many highly qualified people out of work now, an intermediate knowledge of Microsoft Office doesn't even seem to rate anymore. And this one recruiter was very judgmental about gaps in my employment history, how it made me seem completely unreliable because I never seemed to stay anywhere more than a year. She hadn't even spoken to me for more than five minutes, hadn't spoken to my previous employers or references and she'd already dismissed me. It made me feel incredibly small and worthless. Even moreso than I did at my old job.

The thing is, that was my past and I can't really do anything about it now. I'm not skilled enough to spin it, and I certainly didn't do anything exciting or scandalous with that time off. I wasn't picking olives in Florence or building orphanages in Rwanda or doing a nickel at Attica. I was just...searching. I tried a job on, it didn't fit, so I moved to the next one. I tried a city on, until I ran out of money, so I moved on to the next one. I suppose on paper, it looks like a rather schizophrenic experience. But I can assure you that in practice, it's been far from fulfilling.

Nothing seems to fit. Nowhere feels like home. No company makes me feel comfortable. And I realize that's mostly on me. It's an insecurity that's plagued me since, well, puberty and I wonder if I'll ever be at home in my own skin.

The paychecks, the benefits, the five-year plan -- I know I need to worry about those things. But the primary challenge for me is being okay with who I am, even when temporary recruiters feel like belittling my existence. How do I stand up for myself when I don't really have a leg to stand on?

Put a Little 'Glee' in Your Heart

By now, you’ve probably been prompted by several people to watch Fox’s hit show Glee, which recently ended its first season and will be in reruns all summer on Thursday nights (not to mention the many soundtrack CDs on music store shelves). But maybe you’ve convinced yourself not to fall prey to this particular pop-culture zeitgeist. Have musical series ever worked on television? Does Lady GaGa even have enough songs to fill an hour episode? Didn’t Ryan Murphy hurt us enough with Nip/Tuck? These are all perfectly valid arguments. What I’m asking is that you give yourself permission to watch a show that is honest and heartfelt and makes you happy. A refreshing change of pace in the landscape of reality shows, 24/7 news coverage and smarter-than-you sitcoms.

You see, I was reminded of something this past weekend as I sat in the darkened Stevens Center watching students from Miss Joyce’s Dance Studio tap, twirl and tumble their way through the annual recital. I loved performing! The costumes, the make-up, the reactions from the audience. I still love performing, even though it runs counter to my introverted nature. Maybe it’s because there’s a script or choreographed steps to follow. Because I’m playing a character, not myself. And for those few moments of that performance, you’re part of something special – something bigger than yourself.

The kids in the McKinley High Glee Club face the same problems we all did in high school. And some that are not so same. Granted, the faculty have their share of faults to deal with as well. It’s a primetime drama; there has to be a bit of a soap opera (Fake pregnancies! Cancelled weddings! Scheming divas!). Even though the writing and the plots stumbled at times, there was always a sincerity to the proceedings. Finn having to choose between the jocks and the glee clubbers, Will and Terri trying so hard to make their marriage last, Sue Sylvester alternating between outright cruelty and touching compassion for her sister, Quinn wanting to do what’s best for her unexpected baby, Tina and Artie testing the waters of teen romance while dealing with a handicap, Mercedes struggling with her weight, Kurt and his father coming to terms with Kurt being gay, Rachel wanting everyone to want a shiny gold trophy as much as she does. But in the Glee Club practice room with its ever-present accompanist and backing musicians, everyone is safe. Everyone is accepted.

These characters may be so far removed from anyone you know in real life, but they walk the streets of Ohio. And you feel every ounce of their pain and their joy. So just one night a week, suspend your disbelief and sign up to join the “Glee” club. The cast and crew have worked so hard to make this show a unique experience. They do it with a song in their hearts to put a smile on our faces.